F you Warner Bros! I did that show to prove a Vatican Assassin using Ninja Mind Conquer can own his surroundings. And all this pub. is stoking pre-sales for my new book “Chaos Theory, Warlocks, Winning, and how to count to Infinity,” all typed with my two left pinky toes and right thumb only, to be released on the Web, all rights reserved, and Patents Pending!! That’s right, Patents Pending, cause this book, unlike the average stack of dead ink will realign your DNA into awesome!!!
Now whats my next move, you ask?
I’m taking a winner’s road trip! I’ve got a fleet of obedient Pakistani Engineers retrofitting a 1952 “little Tyke” bumper car that I bought off an old Carny named Top Hat. Riding shotgun in the Warlock machine is my new boy, Azattelan Mihotec, a reincarnated Mayan high priest, I met him at this Taco bus on Hollywood Boulevard. First stop, his ancestral home lands to pick up some wild peyote, Mezcal, muchas grass, some wild Aztec she-goddesses, and this Rooster I named Winston, cause he’s smoothe like the smoke, and sharp like the Triumph!
User Name: F-18
Eyes: Laser Beams
Build: why is there no choice for Optimus Prime like
Likes: Breakfast, Coke, Three-Ways, Coke, One-Ways, More Coke, Scallion Cream Cheese, Not Getting Arrested, Non Sequiturs, Goldenseal. In that order. Wait…what’s the question again.
Dislikes: My Movies (except Red Dawn of course), Chuck Lorrie, Judgment, and whatever’s the opposite of Coke.
Perfect 1st Date: Anal, then dinner, then I read your thoughts, skydiving, 80 hours in a parked Winnebago, then we get married.
What you do for fun: the Goddesses, dirty laser-tag, regular laser-tag, galactic bowling, bangin’ 7 gram rocks
Best Feature: Jabba the Slut II
Last thing you read: Everything
If you could only meet one person: Future Me, so I’d know how future bitchin’ I am already
Favorite Destination: Everywhere
Something no one knows about you: I’m kinda between jobs, I’m a warlock-assassin sent to mind-pork the conventional, and I’ve never tasted skittles.
My dangling Tiger Balls have more rhythm than you Tommy!
Created by DJ RAVIDRUMS & The LA Drum Cartel (Ravi Jakhotia & Craig Dobbin). Edited by Timothy J. Bance
1. What to bring: 7 gram rocks, 8 gram rocks, sippy cup, vodoo kit, Chuck Lorre doll, real machete, fedoras, beer can holding fedoras, bail money, dollar sign sunglasses, skull bong, socks
2. Get a Hotel Rider to reservation as follows:
Room will have these items at all times – hookers (alive), blackout shades, tiny waiters, deep fryer, 7 extra mattresses, cotton candy machine, christmas lights, slow pitch softball machine, 2 domesticated white tigers
Ever feel like you don’t quite fit in? Ever noticed poetry in your fingertips? Tired of pretending like you’re not special? Sick of being sorry that your life is so much more bitchin’ than all the trolls at home, school, the office, congress, or the strip club?
Well, YOU just might have Adonis DNA!
That’s right! And now, because living “aw-shucks” sucks, there’s a safe, easy, Charlie Sheen-certified way to find out. Just take our special at-home test in the comfort of your own warlock cave. Yes, our patented scientific system cannot be processed with a normal brain—but it works.
WE’RE AMERICA’S LEADING ADONIS DNA HOME-KIT TEST SPECIALISTS!
Here’s the first step to living a grandiose life—you’ve just got to take it. Order now and join countless well-known individuals who have confirmed their own Adonis DNA like Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Anne Heche, Kirk Douglas, Marky Mark, The Funky Bunch, Gary Busey, Dennis Rodman, Nancy Reagan, Glenn Beck, James Brown, Tom Cruise, Lady Gaga, Richard Simmons, Russell Simmons, Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, Flea, Tim Gunn, Chuck Norris, Vladimir Putin, Lindsay Lohan, every single Kardashian, Mickey Rooney, Oprah Winfrey and many, many more!
So what are you waiting for?!
Don’t be a droopy-eyed, armless child. Completely embrace it, wrap both arms around it, and if you don’t love it violently, we’ll send you your money back, troll.
Our testing is INDISCREETREET AND CONFIDENT, GUARANTEED.
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WARLOCK ACCREDITED. 150% CHARLIE SHEEN CERTIFIED.
IT’S NOT REALLY ROCKET SCIENCE!
Charlie Sheen just climbed to the top of a building in Beverly Hills, pulled out a MASSIVE machete’ … and waved it around in post-termination triumph … all while drinking a bottle of Tiger Blood.
It all went down at the Live Nation office building in Beverly Hills … where Charlie said he had a top-secret meeting with some old friends.
After sheathing his blade, Charlie was asked how he felt about being fired from “Two and a Half Men” — to which he replied, “Free at last … free at last.”
Stop by TMZ to read the original article and see the Charlie Sheen Machete Video in all it’s Adonis DNA Charge / Tiger Blood Fueled Glory!
As you may have heard, Mel Gibson copped a plea to avoid jail time on domestic violence charges. He’ll plead no contest to a misdemeanor in which he will be placed on probation and ordered to enroll in a yearlong batterer’s program. However, adonisDNA.com has just learned that there are additional conditions of the plea that the disgraced Hollywood star begrudgingly had to agree to. They are:
- Will Grand Marshall the 2011 Gay Pride Parade sitting on the lap of Rupal.
- Must recline while eating dinner once a week.
- Will be this years celebrity hider of the Afikoman at Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s Passover Sedar.
- Must star in Richard Simmons next installment of Sweatin’ to the Oldies in rainbow mini shorts.
- Must Co-Chair the 1st annual Potato Latka cook-off to benefit the Malibu PD with Bruce Vilanch.
- Must wait until AFTER he burns the house down to get blown.
- Must replace this years Christmas ham with Bagels and Lox.
- Must re-cut Passion of the Christ with the Jake Gyllenhaal & Heath Ledger Brokeback Mountain kissing scene.
- Must do a Fiddler on the Roof duet with Doogie Howser on Glee.
When asked how he felt about these unusual conditions he replied, “Shut the heck up! You should just freakin’ smile and blow me. Because I deserve it.” The beaming Gibson followed with, “See, it’s working already. No F-bombs in that one!”
Maybe Charlie has a future touring the country with a dance troupe – kind of like Conan’s summer tour.. except.. different.. and .. POWERED BY TIGER BLOOD ! #teamsheen
Nelson Wyatt of The Canadian Press Reports :
MONTREAL – Move over Superman, Batman and Spider-Man — there’s a new star heading to the comic book racks and he’s powered by Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA. It’s Charlie Sheen!
He’s not wearing a cape or cowl, but the self-described “Vatican warlock assassin” will star in “Infamous: Charlie Sheen,” a one-shot comic being written right now for publication by Bluewater Productions Inc. of Vancouver, Wa.
The 32-page comic looks not only at the recent spectacular outbursts of the now-fired star of the megahit TV sitcom “Two and a Half Men” and his bluster about wild, drug fuelled parties with porn stars but the events that led up to them.
Darren Davis, Bluewater’s president, says Sheen will be part of the publisher’s line of biographical books, which includes profiles of U.S. President Barack Obama and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin.
Asked if he was worried about being called exploitive, Davis laughed and said, “Of course.”
“I’ve been called whore, bottom-feeder, I’ve been called everything. We did a Michael Jackson comic right when he died,” he noted, adding that was for the benefit of the fans.
“With this one, yeah, it’s a little different. You look at People Magazine, you look at Time, you look at all these magazines and they have him on the cover right now. Are they exploiting him? No, this is just a different type of biography that we do. It’s timely.”
He acknowledged he was surprised at the actor’s sometimes outlandish comments in a series of appearances on TV, the Internet, magazines, newspapers and Twitter.
“I was kind of shocked and it just keeps getting worse and worse,” Davis said in a telephone interview. “I feel bad for the guy.”
However, Davis added, he believes Sheen “kinda knows what he’s doing to a certain extent.”
Sheen was making $1.8 million per episode as the star of “Two and a Half Men,” portraying a character who was much like himself. He was fired after blasting producer Chuck Lorre in an interview and broadcaster CBS said it became concerned about his actions. The future of the show without Sheen is unknown.
Davis said the comic book, which will sell for $3.99 and is scheduled for summer release, is aimed at the 18-35 male demographic.
He said the company hasn’t been in touch with Sheen himself — “I think his line is full right now” — but Bluewater has donated to suggested charities when it has worked with celebrities such as Ellen DeGeneres and Betty White in the past.
Writer Mark Shapiro said he’s a longtime fan of Sheen from when he was considered a serious actor with such films as “Platoon” and “Wall Street.”
While he said it would be great to focus on that, he’s got a short amount of space to go with what grabs the reader.
“We’re doing largely what’s hot now but people who think this is going to be totally exploitive are going to be in for a shock,” he said. “We’re basically very sympathetic for the problems he’s having.”
Asked whether the book will address drug and mental health issues, Shapiro said it will make reference to the fact that Sheen is having problems, but they’re problems anyone could have.
“It’s hard to get totally away from the fact that it’s going to appear to be a little on the exploitive side but I think we’re telling a legitimate story. This is the decline and fall of a very prominent actor who, for my money, has done some great roles over the years.”
Shapiro said he hopes the comic book gives people a different angle on the actor, who he said has mainly been in the public eye recently “kinda looking dazed and confused and a little crazed.”
The writer said maybe the book will even change some minds about Sheen, who he says now seems to be considered as a moron by some and a wily master manipulator by others.
Shapiro said he wishes Sheen well.
“The comic book is just another page in this long odyssey that has been picked up by television, the Internet and everything else,” he said.
“I hope people enjoy it. I hope they see something different in Charlie Sheen on a printed page as a comic book character portraying himself that will give them a different way of looking at him and his life and career.”
Rumor has it this will air at the end of the series premiere of Warlocks and Godesses on the new Charlie Brothers Network.
There’s two people in this world, those who fuck the prom queen, moon the judge, drink the worm, and slap the pimp, like ME. Then there’s those that don’t, like YOU!!
Special thanks to the creator, the great djsteveporter
Download the track here! http://www.porterhousemedia.com/what-we-do/downloads-and-freebies/
Well – apparently here’s how.
Grab you own copy of
Charlie Sheens Termination Letter right here.
When Master Warlock Charlie Cheen opines that Chuck Lorre is a “charlatan” for not using his real name, Chaim Levine, why doesn’t Jeff Rossen ask the obvious question: “Wait, isn’t your name actually Carlos Irwin Estevez?”
Obviously he was concerned that Sheen would either disembowel him in a twitchy fit of rage-fueled esctasy or worse, spit in his coffee overwhelming Rossen’s immune system with a VD, bacteria, tiger blood, adonis DNA cocktail. But still . . .
…..Anacot Steel, 7 gram rocks, Anacot Steel, 7 gram rocks, Anacot Steel, 7 gram rocks……
Definitely Bangin’ 7 gram rocks……..Epic.
Dubstep mix of Charlie Sheens interview about his coke and hooker parties. Video by Going Quantum.
Video Editing by Going Quantum. http://www.youtube.com/user/goingquantum
Go check out his channel if you’re into quality mixes of dubstep, hard electro, trance, hardstyle.
“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars, and people can’t figure me out; they can’t process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain.”
Are you a god too?
Find out in the comfort of your own home.
May cause wimps to combust in your presence.
May cause penis to grow several subservient penises
May turn skin color into a perfectly fitted Hawaiian shirt
May make math too easy
May attract tiger-loving Vampires
May cause dreams to suck by comparison
May cause canines to offer their hind regions in respect
May allow you to impregnate by sight (and, if pregnant, engender twins….twice)
May make routine movements more dangerous than lambada
May make hookers pay you
May ALWAYS make you right
Do not take this unless your a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars or another iron-rich planet in the galaxy!!
I’m bi-winning, I win here and I win there. Now what? If I’m bipolar, aren’t there moments where a guy like crashes in the corner like, ‘Oh my God, it’s all my mom’s fault!’ Shut up! Shut up! Stop! Move forward.” – Charlie Sheen 2011